I worry a lot. For the obvious, regarding Jade's health. But also for her big brother. Over the past week, Little Jay has made surprising comments about feeling "guilty" for Jade's being sick. Like it was somehow his fault. He's remarked on all the "quality time" that I am spending with Jade. And even how Jade is my number one child and he is my number two. Nothing about this is easy, but trying to make sense of this as a nine-year-old boy confounds me. Hearing him articulate these kinds of feelings is heartbreaking. And I can only try to reassure him that he is an awesome son AND big brother, let him know that he still has my attention and love as much as ever, and make sure that he is surrounded by people who love him when I'm not around.
With my mom and sister in town and Jade in good spirits with the chemo infusions completed for this round, I decided to sneak away from the hospital for an hour or so to surprise Little Jay after school, indulge in a post-school pizza, and bring him to the hospital to see his sister and complete his homework... Well, surprised he was! Just a little over a week ago, my meeting him at the bus stop seemed like just another routine. Now, his toothy grin, bewildered eyes, and warm embrace reminded me of just how much these moments mean.
Well, I didn't know it then, but we were both in for another surprise. On our way to the hospital, and less than a mile from home, my car broke down. Flashing check engine light. Shaky car. Little power... Then an hour and a half of waiting for a tow truck that didn't show. Thankfully, Auntie Shameika is in town and was able to come to the rescue and get us to the hospital in time for dinner.
Jade had a good time with Grandma and the volunteer who stopped by and played the Wii with her, but she did let me know about myself. "Mommy, you said you were going to take a little time. But you took a long time." That's my girl.
Thank you for every prayer and positive thought sent our way.
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